Slumber Partings

It'd been awhile since I'd experienced a run of sleep deprivation, but here it was again. There was no crying baby. No late night work deadline. No noisy next door garage band. The reason may be less talked about but is arguably more common than most realize.

My husband is a night owl and I'm more of a lark--earlier to bed, earlier to rise. It's common for him to stay up until 1 or 2 a.m. and if I'm sleeping lightly, for me to awaken when he comes to bed. He's told me that my snoring has at times kept him awake and that on occasion he can hear me from down the hall. He has an animated demonstration he likes to perform to show me what I look and sound like. (It's sort of a cross between a snorting pig and a braying donkey. His snoring, although loud, is less comical).

When we first married 3 years ago, two of my husband's three teenagers took up residence with us in a 3 bedroom house. In addition to the usual adjustments of newly-marrieds, we had co-parenting, frequent overnight work travel, and differing personal rhythms to navigate. Many nights we were awake more than asleep and chronic tiredness and irritability became the norm. This lasted the first six months of our marriage.

On the infrequent occasions when one of the kids spent the night away, we sought respite by sleeping apart. However, expectations fed my disappointment that my husband and I weren't sleeping well together. I brooded, wondering what was wrong with us. I soon discovered that we're not unique and that sleep, like anything else, changes and evolves.

One day during the early months of my marriage I was meeting with a client out of town. She'd observed my embarrassing inability to stifle repeated yawns, which led to a conversation on spousal snoring. She told me that her husband had suffered from undiagnosed sleep apnea for many years of their marriage, which until properly treated, had led to sleeplessness and separate beds.

At the height of my sleep trials I remember talking with a girlfriend whose husband's snoring was so bad that she'd spent almost a year sleeping in their spare bedroom. She told me she'd started wearing earplugs with good results and sent me some for my birthday. I began inserting the little foam silencers before bed and, combined with the white noise of a small fan tucked under some pillows in the corner of our bedroom, sleep improved.

Not long ago I was talking with another friend, a young newlywed undergoing chemotherapy for testicular cancer, who shared with some resignation that his wife sleeps in the spare room on the days he undergoes treatment because his restlessness and frequent need to use the bathroom make a sound night's sleep impossible for either of them. I felt for him. The situation is not the one they'd imagined.

Nor is it for scores of other couples. According to a National Sleep Foundation poll, a whopping 70% of us report we experience frequent sleep problems. For those of us who are partnered, the most frequent complaints are restless sleepers (1/3) and snorers (2/3). Not surprisingly, the consequences include those that my husband and I experienced early in our marriage: excessive daytime lethargy, reduced quality of life and strained relationships (more than 1/3 of us on this last count, says the study).

While snoring, sleep apnea, and some types of restlessness are medical problems that can be treated, the other "that just annoys me" habits are perhaps more challenging to remedy. Studies have found that almost any difference can create a problem:

Disagreement about who sleeps on which side of the bed, mattress firmness, mattress size, sleeping with children or pets--or not sleeping with them, bed time/rising time, alarms, room temperature, sheet texture, number of pillows, to cuddle or not to cuddle, differing sleep positions, room quietness, open windows/closed windows, nightmares, number of blankets, going to bed angry, trips to the bathroom, ad infinitum. It's a wonder any of us sleeps with another.

As a natural response, many make the kinds of sleep accommodations that my husband and I have made. In addition to earplugs and separate beds, some also alter their own sleep schedules, use eye masks, or settle for a couch in the hope of getting uninterrupted shut-eye. I would add to the list: altered expectations (especially for those of us who partner later in life when sleep habits are well formed) and acceptance.

Research has found that when couples first start sleeping together, there's a greater willingness to sacrifice comfort for closeness. After a while, many not only want--but must--get a good night's sleep in order to function well. While some can get by with as little as 5 hours, and others require double digits, most of us need on average between 7 and 8 hours of sleep a night. It works best if those hours aren't fitful.

Case in point: I can go a couple of days with less than my needed rest. I may feel less energetic, but I can function. By day three, I'm cranky and overly-sensitive. By day four, watch out! I'm ready for a roaring meltdown. Fortunately, those days are fewer and farther between as my husband and I have come to know our sleep needs and limits.

Compromise, adjustment and acceptance have carried us far in achieving a better night's sleep together. But for those times, like this past week, when either of us reaches those limits, we now have a spare bedroom to which one of us can retreat.

What has been your experience?

The National Sleep Foundation poll results and a self-diagnostic quiz can be found at: www.sleepfoundation.org
For additional information visit: http://health.nih.gov/topic/SleepDisorders